March, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

It’s just a marketing stunt, basically.

The White House just posted a picture on X of a website they’d supposedly launched, provocatively titled ‘OnlyFarms.gov’. And if I have to explain that joke, you poor, innocent thing…

Except, this isn’t quite true, because typing in OnlyFarms.gov just redirects to the White House’s page for agriculture. It’s got a slow-mo montage of Trump hanging out with farmers so you know he cares and then it lists a bunch of policies that they’re doing for agriculture.

Damn, I wanted to see some sexy sheep dot gov.

OnlyFarms? More Like OnlyGarms, amIright? hahaha

As the top comment on Reddit puts it really well:

“Everyone is talking about “OnlyFarms” instead of:

A record-high of 15,000 farm closures in 2025 (source).
A 46% increase in chapter 12 bankruptcies in the agriculture sector in 2025 (source).
The loss of 2.5 million acres of farmland in 2025 (source).”

And I’ll let you read all that for yourselves.

Point is, don’t fall for these government hijinks. They just want your attention, it’s more valuable to them than anything else. So make sure you value it too.

CNBNC’s Jimothy ‘Reverse’ Cramer, just said that oil prices have reached their peak and if I’ve learned anything about finance it’s that ‘Cramer is always wrong’ is a running joke in these parts.

Here’s the full quote from his Tweet (X): “The stock of Chevron which has led the futures the whole way saw a reversal today that would indicate a momentary top out in oil.. just saying, the stock’s been ahead and it’s been right”

Sure whatever.

Look, whilst most experts are drawing parallels between what’s happening now and energy crash of 2008, Jim Cramer is drawing with crayons.

Because other experts are saying the opposite. Other experts are saying that if the Iran war keeps going (which it probably will) then oil could easily reach $200 a barrel.

Oh, wait, I’m supposed to be doing a top five list of reasons why the oil price will go up, lemme do that:

5. The war in Iran

4. The war in Iran

3. The war in Iran

2. The war in Iran

1. The war in Iran

Is that clear enough for you JIM?

For more Cramer news click here: fnwaibrhelabgryilaebuiflbraeilbgreilafrilewafui.

It’s like Ocean’s 11,398 out there…

You haven’t heard the news? Heists are cool again, baby! Ever since the Louvre was robbed back in October and became a viral joke, the world has been poised to enjoy some serious crime but alas, the police sirens have remained silent.

UNTIL NOW! And of when it rains, it pours, as two have come along at once. The first is the news that 400,000 KitKat bars have been stolen enroute from Italy to Poland. One can only assume the goods were lifted from the moving truck in a daring heist on par with a Fast and Furious movie.

It remains unclear whether the thieves plan to sell on their ill-gotten snacks or just eat them all themselves.

And the other big story is that four masked men stole three paintings with a total value of €9m from an Italian gallery (there’s Italy again). The heisters made off with a Renoir, Cézanne and Matisse in under three minutes which is not nearly enough time to make a full movie about this.

But how do these latest heists rank with some of the biggest in history? Let’s rank them below because why not?

At 9:30 in the morning, four masked intruders climbed a ladder, broke intruder window, and stole over $102 million worth of jewels from the Louvre museum in Paris, all in under eight minutes… and they didn’t even pay for any of it.

Yes, this is the Louvre jewelry heist, the biggest heist in France since Nicolas Sarkozy heisted dirty Libyan money for his presidential campaign.

But how does it compare to previous heists in the world? Let’s take a look at the top ten museum heists ranked by how cool they were (plus some random means because why not?):

10. The Louvre Jewelry Heist

I know it’s popular but guys, the museum’s password was just ‘Louvre’ as fun as it was, it doesn’t compare with the big guns below.

9. Ocean’s 8

Obviously, the Ocean movies have to make an appearance on this list and I’m NOT talking about Finding Nemo here. The eighth entry into the series is maybe the worst, but not because it has women in. I am not a misogynist… No, this movie sucks because the plot sucks. There literally isn’t a clever heist in here, no clever twist; they just take the necklace. It sucks.

8. The Heist of Jacob de Gheyn III

Yeah, I’d never heard of it either, but apparently this is one of the most stolen paintings in the world, having been stolen in 1966, 1973, 1981 AND 1982 wtf guys, literally just put it somewhere else.

7. Ocean’s 13

The second worst Oceans film is the third in the original trigonal. I literally don’t remember the plot of this one. Forgettable. Not as good. 2/5.

6. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Heist, Boston in 1990

Probably the biggest art heist in American history and still unsolved. 13 priceless works were nabbed by two men disguised as police officers in the early morning. They tied up the security guards and made away with half a billion dollars worth of merch. You know, movie shit.

5. Ocean’s 12

Speaking of movies, it doesn’t beat the original, but it’s better than the other two. Ocean’s 12 is a fun return to the series and I think this is the one where Julia Roberts plays Not Julia Roberts and everyone hated that plot point but I thought it was really funny.

4. Van Gogh Museum Heist, Amsterdam

This one is SUSPICIOUSLY similar to the Louvre heist. It also involved a ladder and breaking in with sledgehammers so idk, maybe the same guys? The paintings were only recovered from the Naples mafia 14 years later. Crazy.

3. This one time I forgot my wallet but I needed milk and so I just put some in my coat pocket and walked out of the store and no one even stopped me.

Ngl, it was pretty slick. Felt like I was in Finding Nemo and everything.

2. The Mona Lisa Heist, the Louvre (again, lol)

Literally the reason that the Mona Lisa is famous. It got stolen the Lovre (Lovure?) by an Italian employee who thought the painting belonged in Italy. Fair point. The painting was only recovered years later but by that point it was too late, they’d already made mugs and t-shirts and everything.

1. Ocean’s 11

The OG, the GOAT, the HTMI cable, Ocean’s 11 is actually a remake, not a lot of people know that, but it’ll always be the original in my heart. Maybe the coolest heist out there so I think it trumps all the real ones imo.

But what do you think? Let me know in the comment section we don’t have below.

In case you didn’t know, yes, New York financier, Jeffrey Epstein famously invented ‘bit-o-coin’ or ‘bitcoin’ for short.

Between bouts of molesting children, schmoozing with your personal favorite celebrity and blowing off Elon ‘Lingering’ Musk, ol’ Jeff was hard at work coding the blockchain by hand under the moniker Satoshi Nakamoto.

And honestly I’m personally disgusted that this man would stoop so low as to basically do a digital yellow face. The rest of his crimes I can stomach but I draw the line at cultural appropriation.

As revealed in the Epstein Files (so named because he was a pedo-file), J.E. was a significant backer in the early days of crypto. As MIT’s Joichi Ito said to him in an email, “used gift funds to underwrite this which allowed us to move quickly and win this round. Thanks.”

I mean, why wouldn’t he be? A new technology that enables anyone to move money anonymously outside of banks and regulation? Of course a sex trafficker is going to be interested.

To put it into numbers, Jepstein put $500k into blockstream and personally underwrote 74.79% of Bitcoin’s core development. And you know what that means too, right?

That means Jeffrey’s been getting a significant kickback from his early investment since this whole project began. As one X user put it succinctly, “BTC has been funding a global elite pedo group since 2015… great.”

Beyond bitcoin, Epsteinerry was also an early investor in ZCash and put $3 million into Coinbase in 2014, solidifying the man as a true visionary of our times.

The value of PEDOCOIN has rocketed up since the reveal of this news.

Jeffrey Epstein could not be reached for comment.

It feels like a depressing inevitability but as the war in Iran continues on, with no signs of slowing down, it looks like oil might top out at $200 and we will all feel the effects in one way or another.

As strategists from Macquarie Group have recently warned, if the war continues into June, crude oil prices would move to above $200 per barrel, forcing gas to $7 a gallon. This sucks for me in particular because I drink about a gallon of gas every day and I just don’t have those kinds of savings.

So if you, like me, are a human being that spends money, just how can you avoid this seemingly inevitable massive recession that we’re all heading for?

Err, bitch, you really think if I knew I would be here writing for Wall Street Memes Dot Com? No, I’d be selling my advice for MILLIONS.

Because, I don’t think it’s really that avoidable, don’t you?

Oh, but I still have to write something? Ok, damn, alright, well here’s four ideas off the top of my head:

Switch To Electric Car

If you don’t want to pay for gas, then don’t pay for gas! Quickly! Buy yourself an electric car that runs on cheap, cheap oil-powered power instead.

Get Off The Grid

Literally. Maybe get some solar panels, a wind turbine, your own nuclear power plant if you can, anything to stop paying those crazy energy bills.

Diversify Your Investments

Idk about money things, but there’s probs some moves you can make to anticipate what’s going to happen, right? Like shorting stock and things like that? Idk, this isn’t financial advice.

Quit Drinking Crude Oil

This one’s more for me, but I should really get off that, it’s getting to be a very expensive hobby…

So you’ve got yourself an AI bubble. A pretty little ball of soap and air, just floating on the breeze. You love your bubble, you don’t want it to pop. You’ve kept sticks and knives and other sharp objects well away from it so you can enjoy your bubble for as long as you like.

But what’s this? No matter what you do the bubble keeps slowly drifting downwards, down, down, down to the inevitable ground. Oh dear.

What can you do? Well, panic first of all. Once you’ve done that, now you know there’s nothing you can do to stop this bubble popping, you look around and see something, idk what it would be in this contrived analogy… a giant ball of steel?

It’s just as shiny, just as round, but, unlike your bubble, it’s not going to pop and it’s not going anywhere.

Sorry, was this too convoluted? The bubble is AI and if it wasn’t obvious, the big ball of steel is more stable assets like energy and industry that have stayed strong despite the volatility of AI.

I’m just offering you that timeless piece of advice: diversify your assets! Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Especially if that basket is entirely made of hype. Instead, shop around, mitigate risk, find that dream blunt rotation that mixes stability with reward, OK?

Because a lot of people are asking right now whether AI is actually creating the productivity boom it promised or just market volatility. Because yeah, it seems like all anyone cares about atm is tech stocks, as one X poster surmised: “’The Market’ is just a guy staring at two screens. One has Truth Social. The other is Anthropic’s blog.”

But given that investors have been getting a neck cramp from all the whiplash tech stocks have been doing, it feels like AI isn’t a sturdy foundation upon which to build an economy.

So yeah, by all means have fun with the AI hype, but stay safe out there kid, make sure to mix in some stability with your volatility and don’t forget to wash your hands.

THE President Donald Trump has just created the ‘President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology’ (PCAST) in order to bribe tech leaders, sorry, in order to advise on AI policy and other issues. This can only go well.

Appointed to the Council of Doom we have all the familiar faces, Mark Zuckerberg (of Facesmash fame), Oracle CEO Larry Ellison (of friends with Donald Trump fame), Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang (of leather jacket wearing fame), Google’s co-founder Sergey Brin, AMD’s CEO and like a bunch of other people probably but they’re not famous enough to make my lil list here.

Now, I know what you’re all wondering, and yes, it’s true, we do live in a technocratic oligarchy.

Because doesn’t this just feel like all the worst powerful people cosying up to one person who’s slightly worse and slightly more powerful than them? Yeah, in the history books we call that kind of thing ‘corruption’.

But who knows, maybe I’m just a cynical, wisened, wrinkly old man, maybe this’ll be a good thing and these experts in their fields can genuinely advise our government to make some sensible decisions.

Orrrrr maybe we’ll just get another shit show like DOGE…

Given this motley crew’s track record for implementing new tech ethically, I’d say it’s going to be more the latter.

But there’s a secret third option, that’s probably the most likely, that this is just an honorary appointment, a gold star to keep everyone sweet and make them feel better.

Sure they’ll talk a bunch and maybe have the tiniest bit of influence but will it actually make a change? Well, I sure hope not.

(Oh, sorry, were you hoping to find out about how “their stock went wild”? Idk if that’s even true. I didn’t look it up I just assumed it because it sounded clickbaity. It worked right? You clicked, right? Cool, well then we’re all winners here, aren’t we?)

Famed stock broker and economist, Peter ‘the stiff’ Schiff just took to Twitter (X) to say that “we are headed for a full-blown financial crisis,” geez, tell us something we don’t know.

By this point it’s par for the course. I mean, what are economists supposed to do if not predict that it’s the end of the world all the time?

Except this time, they’ve actually got a leg to stand on.

I mean, you’ve got Iran, Palestine, Ukraine, tariffs, global warming (still, don’t forget about that one), inflation and just general economic shit. So, yeah, don’t exactly need Pete’s credentials to see the writing on the wall.

Here’s the full tweet:

It’s not a rosy outlook and might just get him in trouble with our dear leader. His pessimism has gotten him in trouble before.

A few months ago, daily children’s television show about a talking fox and his buddies, Fox And Friends, hosted ‘stockbroker’ Peter Schiff on the podcast for some reason. But here’s the thing: Trump likes the fox but he also likes himself so it’s kind of awkward to have himself-critic on the thing he likes. It’s kind of hard to get your head around, “Thing I like likes thing I don’t like?” *Tim Allen wooouuuuhh?? noise*

“Why would Fox and Friends Weekend (of all things?) put on a ‘Stockbroker’ named Peter Schiff, a Trump hating loser who has already proven to be wrong,” said Trump on Truth Social. (What would a social truth look like? Oh, like the popular kid who just tells it like it is and is actually really mean but calls it honesty, is that what Truth Social is?)

Related story: Donald Trump

“Either the show made a mistake, or it is heading in a different direction. He thinks prices are going up when, in fact, they are coming substantially down. Gasoline hit $1.99 a gallon yesterday, in certain states, and is down BIG since Biden.”

Biden? Jesus Christ, he’s DEAD, move on!

Oh wait, I forgot to mention the ‘crazy’ part I teased in the headline. Bitcoin critic Schiff responded on X, saying, “Since Pres. Trump called me a jerk and a loser for claiming that prices are still rising when he insists they’re coming way down, I challenge him, or his designee, to a debate on the U.S. economy and the efficacy of his policies. If I’m as wrong as he says I am, let him prove it.”

In a separate post, Schiff also said that Donald should change the name of his social media site to “Lie Social.” Hahaha. That’s clever.

So whether Trump will actually take up the ‘stockbroker’ on his debate offer remains to be seen but no, he definitely won’t, what are you talking about? Of course that’s not going to happen.

Not like, ‘explode’ explode, I mean explode in a good way…

SpaceX has told investors that they’re expecting to raise $75 billion dollars in money from its first IPO making it the largest listing in the history of ever.

But who’s the biggest winner out of all this? Well, unless you’re a big business nerd, the answer may shock you. Are you sitting down? Ok…

It’s Elon Musk.

I know, I know, calm down, it’s unexpected. BUT the other big winner out of this is none other than Google’s parent company: The Alphabet (of English language fame).

Yeah, turns out Google is one of the biggest investors in Musk Space Venture Dot Com, and has been since at least 2015. Who knew? Not me. Hopefully them.

This news comes hot off the heels that SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (I can’t help myself) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research, in an interview in which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

Related article: Tesla Approved Elon’s $1trl Pay Package, Here’s What It’ll Take For Him to Win It

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

The official White House social media accounts just posted a cryptic video of some woman’s shoes teasing the launch of something or other and everyone’s going wild BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY THEY WANT YOU TO DO.

The video is blurry, handheld phone footage, pointed down at the camera-holder’s shoes so it looks like she’s not supposed to be filming. But what it does capture is two people talking. One says, “It’s so cool! It’s launching soon right?” and the other replies, “Yes.”

And if you’re curious about what they’re talking about SNAP OUT OF IT. Because you just fell for a classic viral marketing campaign that we’ve seen a million times before.

You just hint that ‘something’ is coming, frame it like it’s a hidden camera that wasn’t supposed to catch the information and if you already have a big enough following (like the goddam White House does) then people will be all over that shit because everyone loves a mystery and they love a secret.

But it’s hollow and obvious, the video equivalent of a clickbait headline (see above), if the clickbait amounted to no more than saying ‘Coming Soon!’.

White House? White noise.

I mean, we all can see what they’re trying to do but I just want to point out one more detail that I think really gives it away and that’s the ‘sound on’ Snap Chat-style caption. Because if this was an actual secret, an actual leaked video like it’s pretending to be, that’s probably not the caption you’d use. ‘Sound on’ is just your classic engagement bait. No, this is something that’s been carefully thought about and created by a PR team.

So yeah, this is nothing new, movies, books, music artists and product launches have been doing this kind of stuff since at least the 90s, it just feels weird/gross to see a government do it.

Like, we know that the White Social media has gone completely off the rails, posting whatever they want from AI slop to racist music videos, nothing could surprise us now. But this is still below them. And it’s below you. This is a soulless government desperately trying to get your attention.

Just remember, when someone shows you an advertisement, unless you work in marketing or something, your answer should always be ‘who cares.’

Don’t fall for it. Ignore and move on.

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It’s just a marketing stunt, basically.

OnlyFarms? More Like OnlyGarms, amIright? hahaha

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