Bill Fold | Wall Street Memes

Who’s Larry Ellison? Oh, the CEO of Oracle. What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the world and I’ve never heard of him. Maybe I should have, maybe it’s my job…

Anyway! Oracle’s shares surged 30% today, reaping the rewards from the AI boom and giving hope that maybe the bubble isn’t burst. Maiyyyyybai.

All this means that Oracle’s co-founder Larry has cashed in another $70 billion (!!!), ratcheting him up to $384 billion, making him the second richest man in the world. Watch your ass, Elon Musk.

Elon Musk who only has $20 billion more (‘only’ jesus christ), responded to the announcement, saying, “I will kill you, Larry. I will kill you. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

If this trajectory continues, Larry would have the largest one-day increase ever recorded on the index. Obviously, the index doesn’t record everyone otherwise, they’ve give me the crown of largest one-day increase after my cousin Bogdan lent me $40, when I only had $4 at the time, so that’s a 10x increase right there.

Oracle’s mostly a cloud computing service and was late to pivot to AI, but was perfectly poised to use all its data centres for AI which is why we’re in this whole mess. Oracle person, Safra Catz (cool name) said that Oracle signed “four multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers” in the three months to the end of August. So yeah, mega bucks.

More about Larry? Ok, sure. He owns a tennis tournament (how?). He owns an island, like 98% of the Hawaiian island Lanai. You know, classic rich guy shit. He originally made Oracle as a CIA database. He was an early investor in Tesla so has a 1.4% stake which means he’s 1.4% bleeding Elon dry.

So yeah, are we going to have a new random rich guy that we’re going to have to learn about? Maybe he’ll buy a social media? Maybe he’ll run for president? Who knows! The sky’s the limit when you’re a rich. There is literally nothing that is illegal for you.

For more tech news, Don’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?

Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the second time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world.

The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the president) started fresh beef with the Federal Reserve Chair Head, Jerome Powell, and threatened to fire Lisa Cook. Coupled with inflation and renewed tariffic uncertainty, investors are now, for the first time ever, turning to gold as the new “gold standard”.

Some are now saying that gold is “worth its weight in gold”; however, others are saying that it’s not. Only time (and this set of old-timey scales) will tell.

In a matter of weeks, gold-and-gold-related products might reach $4,000. Which is a lot of money to spend on golds if you’re really not planning on doing anything with it.

The dollar was once the stable currency global investors could rely on. Now, with the volatility of the dollar (dollatility if you will), investors are turning to the far more stable and never fluctuating gold for investment opportunities.

Good Old Gold

Gold has long been popular amongst money people not only because it’s shiny but also because, unlike other currencies, it’s real.

Metal buffs will tell you that gold is one of the most golden-colored metals ever discovered. When first discovered, gold prospectors saw gold as rare because they hadn’t found much of it yet.

Since then, however, much more gold has been discovered, mostly in the ground. Gold owners across the world have attempted to make gold more valuable by naming expensive things like memberships and casinos after the metal.

Only now has this investment finally paid off, making fictional characters such as Goldfinger and Scrooge McDuck over night millionaires worth millions if not billions.

For more on this story, click here over there somewhere…

Yeah, OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so don’t even try it. If you want to, you need the company’s written consent. Now a lot of people haven’t got that memo so OpenAI has had to write a blog post EXPLAINING to you MORONS that anyone trying to sell you OpenAI shares is a scammer.

By the way, do you want to buy some OpenAI shares? Hmu.

It’s a specific type of scam that’s becoming a new gold rush. They’re called special purpose vehicles or SPVs which allow multiple people to by shares in one transaction. When unauthorized, yeah, that’s a scam.

Bad actors will claim to have big stocks to sell in buzzy companies like OpenAI, charge an extortionate transaction fee then run off with your money before you can realise that they never had any such stocks in the first place.

Sam Altman’s company clarified that, “not every offer of OpenAI equity (or exposure to it) is problematic,” just, you know, most. “If so, the sale will not be recognized and carry no economic value to you.” Unless you collect scams, in which case, hmu.

But yeah, avoid these, they are obviously illegal.

You know what else is illegal? Running a not-for-profit company for profit. Not that I’m looking at anyone in particular. It’s not like OpenAI is now valued at $500 billion dollars in money or anything.

This is a 66.7% increase from the previous $300 billion valuation, making it the most valuable startup in the world, says ChatGPT.

SpaceX is currently the most valuable start-up in the world at $350 billion, with ByteDance valued at $315 billion (can we even call these start-ups at this point? My cousin Denneth sells homemade pogs out of this garage, now THAT’S a start-up).

As ChatGPT explains, OpenAl plans a multi-billion-dollar secondary sale in which current and former employees would be able to cash out their stock options.

ChatGPT also explained that OpenArtificialIntelligence is pretty cool and a great place to work and definitely worth $500 billion dollars worth of money if you’re in the market.

Half a trillion dollars seems like a wild amount of money, but let’s look at the facts. AI is huge business right now. We’re in the middle of an AI boom, in case you hadn’t noticed. Weekly ChatGPT users are now at 700 million, Meta is going all in on their AI department, and Google now has an AI mode so that Denneth’s Homemade Pogs Dot Com isn’t even listed anymore.

Heck, I think the king of the tech landscape as we see it, OpenAI SHOULD be given all the money. $500 billion? For holding up the entire economy? Nay, country, nay, America? Phhhff, I think it’s worth infinite money. In fact, we should give them infinite money. In fact, we should all make a pledge to give our lives to OpenAI for the rest of time. WHEN WE DIE OPENAI SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SCAN OUR BRAINS TO HELP TRAIN THEIR LARGE LANGUAGE MODELS.

(This article was written by ChatGPT.)

Like, just take a look at this crazy story: Elon Musk Makes Compelling New Offer For OpenAI: “I’ll Leave You Alone”

Alphabet (Google) just unveiled its brand new Pixel 10 Pro Fold that’s like a regular phone but it folds in half. No wait, you’re not hearing me. What I’m saying is that you can use one half for a keyboard and another half for a screen. This is ground breaking and it’s only $2000 dollars (rounded up).

Sure, you’re paying a lot for something that you had back in 2005 and without the Hello Kitty decals, but this one has AI, so shut up. Yeah, all the other specks are basically like the last Pixel but the real game changer ain’t the flip, no, it’s that it’s waterproof. Yeah, that’s right. Now you can accidentally drop it in the bathtub whilst showering all you like and save a FORTUNE on rice.

Flip phones might seem like a fad, but everyone’s getting in on it. Samsung’s got one, Apple’s rumored to be developing a foldable iPad called the iBedsheet. So maybe this is the future. It’s exciting, we’ve not seen much innovation in this sector since Bill Jobs stood on stage and said, “What if all phones were the same brick of void forever?”

But Google’s Pixel has the drop on all those contenders thanks to a brand new feature. Whilst previously it was impossible to fold a sheet of phone in half more than seven times, the Pixel 10 Pro Fold can be folded as many times as you like. You can even use it to make origami birds. The Pixel won’t work after that of course, but that’s by the by.

The new phone ships on October 9th. Good luck finding a phone case.

(This article was in no way sponsored, funded, endorsed or even winked at by Google. I won’t make any money if you go buy one, I promise. I’m genuinely just out here interested in phones. Shoot me.)

For more tech news, click here: Google Simultaneously Unveils And Doesn’t Unveil Quantum Chip

Jim Powell might be under threat from another Jim, one James B. Bullard, who today said, “Rates are a bit high right now, and I think we can get down about 100 basis points by 2026. I think that’ll start with a rate reduction here at the September meeting.” Well, someone just became Trump’s new top pick for Fed Chair.

The former St. Louis Fed President (what is that, a basketball team?) also said that he’d been in touch with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent for a meeting after Labor Day, which is obviously an interview, like, surely.

Powell’s term expires in mid-May and will likely be replaced if not before then. Perdue Dean, Bullard has been tapped as a frontrunner for the job mainly because Trump hasn’t found a reason to hate him yet.

If Bullard doesn’t get the job, Trump and Bessent have a long list of contenders to pick from, including fan favorite, Fed Gov. Chris Walker.

But those are the boring options. To see who’s REALLY going to be the next Fed Chair, read our ranked list of TOP 10 PICKS TO REPLACE POWELL below:

(Honorable mention) JD Vance – The Backup Backup Option

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

JD seems a great replacement, considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does,” according to Donald Trump.

10. No One – Better Than JD

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

9. SBF – Pronounced “essbeef”

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

8. Kanye – West

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies enemy is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

7. Tiffany Fong – Who?

Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

6. Barron – ‘Trump’, not ‘Oil’

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck – Money Man (Duck)

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

4. An AI Tesla Bot – If Elon Can Bury The Hatchet

Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move. He’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine what else would you build a robot for but managing the federal reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’ this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’ this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

3. Jerome Powell – He’s Back, Baby!

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

2. Eric Trump – Maybe The Real Powell Was The Friends We Made Along The Way

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so it’s a good choice after every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then got caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role. He also enjoys skiing.

1. Donald Trump – The Front Runner

In the top spot, I know, it seems like a curveball, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Who better to follow through on Donald Trump’s wishes than Donald Trump himself? Who’s least likely to get fired by Donald Trump than Donald Trump? Who’s got the business, pork, and financial chops to take the US economy to the next level? And let’s be honest, if Trump could, we all know he would.

And there we have it! Those are our top five picks for the role. We’ll see how things play out, but let us know what you think! Message me personally at my home address hidden in the code for this website.

For a secret bonus option, read this: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Intel shares have jumped up after Japanese tech investment firm, SoftBank has announced plans to pump $2bn dollars of money into the struggling chip maker. The news comes hot off the heels of an announcement that the government is planning on converting their government grants into shares and thus gaining a 10% stake in the company.

Now I might be a professional finance writer (barely honestly) but isn’t that like socialism? What the Trumplings all dislike? Idk. Maybe this thing happens all the time. Does the government have stock in lots of companies? Is this just how it all works? How does anything work?

The deal looks similar to Trump’s recently proposed 15% kickback from China chip sales, which again feels illegal, but I guess when the President does it it’s not illegal.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, so SoftBank will pay $23 per share and this is seen as a vote of confidence that Trump will commit to helping out Intel which is the only chip manufacturer on American soil other than Lays.

Trump previously criticised Intel CE-NO, Lip-Bu Tan, calling for his resignation over alleged links to China. It’s not clear, though, if he just said that because he’s Asian looking.

Intel has seen slumping stocks for years now after failing to keep up with the AI boom and foreign chip manufacturers. Both these deals and the resulting stock boost could mean a comeback for the former chip-king. Hell, I’d let Intel come inside me any day. What?

What could this mean for money and stocks and your money and sports and economics and the price of fish and oh god what is even the point.

I’ll tell you what we’ll do: we’ll start again. That’s right, we’ll just cut out all the crap. No more chips and monies and investments and Telos Wealth Advisors, no we’ll just got back to eating dirt. Yeah, that sounds nicer, way more fun than what we’ve got going now. IT’S TOO COMPLICATED! It’s too complicated, I just can’t follow it all and I don’t care. Why should I care about all this? Yeah, I’m using a phone and a laptop and four ipads simultaneously but I don’t want any of that. Get rid of it all.

Whatever happened to goat herders? That’s what we should be doing. A simple life. A simple, smelly, goaty life. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, I’m going to give all this up and go herd some goats. See ya!

Bitcoin has hit another record high shortly following its previous record high of “very high”. BTC topped out at 124, and Ether also saw massive gains; however, my own personal bank account did not.

Part of the reason for the boost is increased faith that the Fed will soon cut interest rates, continued buying, boosts from Trump, and me personally not buying any (I’m just bad luck that way).

Now, following these numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin (no relation), one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Maurice might have a point. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many. Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin.

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporeal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has already commented on the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name without a bloody, bloody fight.

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

For more on this story, click here: Bitcoin Hits $123,000 ATH: Five Things You Can Buy With One $BTC

President Donald Trump has reached what is being called the largest trade deal in history since the last one. This time, it’s with the EU, agreeing to reduce the threatened tariffs down to 15% in return for massive investments in sectors like US energy.

Most commentators are calling this a W for Trump and an L for the EU, so what exactly did he have on them?

Below are the top five pieces of dirt that Trump has on the EU.

5. A Trade Deficit

OK, this isn’t exactly blackmail material, but Trump went in knowing that the EU was selling more than the US was. Now I’m no economist, and I can only understand two numbers at a time, so to me that looks bad. And that’s just what Trump went in there to fix, and it looks like he did, so good job, Don.

4. Ukraine

This one’s more Russia’s blackmail material, than Trump’s but Putin’s got ‘em in a chokehold and say what you will about the Yugoslavian navy, the EU needs American military support. Holding that back was a no brainer in this negotiation. And the EU wanted to keep Uncle Sam sweet in the event of a nuclear war.

3. Steamy Pics of Angela Merkel

Trump’s Ace in the Hole (if you’ll excuse the golf pun). Don-Don’s been hiding this for just the occasion but reportedly, he’s had incriminating pics of the former German chancellor for decades. Yeah, she might be retired but her shadow looms large and that’s the kind of press that old Ang can’t afford to stomach right now.

2. A Latvian Princess Held Hostage

Many a mustache has been twirled over the capture of Princess Egglisea Henklebergen III during the Latvo-Prussian conflict of last year. But now Europe wants her back and they will settle for any can of tariff rate to get her. You best believe Trump wheeled her out chained to a sack barrow to get what he wanted.

1. The Epstein List

The big one. Trump’s got it on his desk and boy does it contain some European leaders that’s for sure. Now, negotiators reportedly tried to play the Pres’s bluff, knowing that he’d be just as incriminated. But that’s just the Art of the Deal baby. If Trump goes down then all of Europe’s going down with him.

So, with all that dirt on the EU, how could they not agree? Now we’ll just have to wait and see what the Don has up his sleeve for China…

For more on this story, click here: US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

Nvidia ($NVDA) CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new AI chip specifically designed for the Chinese market due to Trump’s tightened export restrictions.

China’s chip is a modified version of Nvidia’s existing Blackwell RTX Pro 6000 processor, like how my bicycle is a modified version of a Lamborghini. The chip won’t have advanced features like high-bandwidth memory, NVLink interconnects, and a free carrying case.

All of this is an effort to prevent China from once again harnessing the power of American tech, like when they stapled two Nvidia chips to an iPad last year to make DeepSeek, which blew everyone out of the water. Remember that?

America’s version of the chip, on the other hand, dubbed the Freedom Eagle Chip, will be the most powerful chip the world has ever seen, featuring a stars and stripes vinyl wrap and the sounds of an eagle’s kaw-KAW every time you run a process.

Take that, you commies.

Despite this, Huang’s meeting in Beijing plans to reaffirm Nvidia’s commitment to China and China’s commitment to Nvidia, who are both in too deep to turn back now. And hey, if Huang slips a couple of chips out of his long trench coat on the way, who’s watching? Trump, hahaha, lol, no, his eyesight isn’t that good. He can’t see all the way to China. What are you talking about?

Nvidia is like the biggest company in the world or something, becoming the first company to hit a $4 trillion market cap on Wednesday. But the corp’s stock is still at the whim of the ever-swaying tides of tariffs, so who’s to say how things will shake down?

Not me, that’s for sure.

For more lacklustre tech predictions and predicaments, read this one: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate as it makes its way to the final rounds of debate that might cripple all you unlucky degens out there.

An iddy-biddy beautiful part of the big beautiful bill is an addendum saying that deductions from gambling winnings would be limited to 90% of losses, if the bill passes.

Now, what this means is that, let’s say I earn $100, I’d get taxed on those winnings. That’s income, so that’s taxed. Fine. Now, let’s say I also lost $100, with my $100 winnings, now I’ve made nothing. No income, no tax right? WRONG! With this law you could only reduce $90 from your taxes. You’ve earned nothing because you suck at gambling and now, just to kick you in the balls when you’re down, you have to pay $10 to the government.

Now if you didn’t follow that, you’re probably confused because, yeah, it’s confusing. But if you did follow that, you’re also probably confused because, yeah, it makes no sense. Why you got to tax me on the sweet load of nothing I’m making? That’s what VAT is for!

Professional gamblers are up in arms as this law would make it much harder for them to earn a living. Should it pass, full-time players might even be driven out of US casinos and turn to unregulated, dirty, foreign casinos to make that dollar. This will likely lead to only more malleable, casual players at casinos, meaning that, once again, the house always wins.

Who knows if the whole bill will even pass, and if it does, whether this little paperclipped bit will have made it through. But either way, it looks like the only one GAMBLING here is Trump… with our VOTES that is! Hahaha, see what I did there?

For more gambling news, check out: Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

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