Intel shares have jumped up after Japanese tech investment firm, SoftBank has announced plans to pump $2bn dollars of money into the struggling chip maker. The news comes hot off the heels of an announcement that the government is planning on converting their government grants into shares and thus gaining a 10% stake in the company.

Now I might be a professional finance writer (barely honestly) but isn’t that like socialism? What the Trumplings all dislike? Idk. Maybe this thing happens all the time. Does the government have stock in lots of companies? Is this just how it all works? How does anything work?

The deal looks similar to Trump’s recently proposed 15% kickback from China chip sales, which again feels illegal, but I guess when the President does it it’s not illegal.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, so SoftBank will pay $23 per share and this is seen as a vote of confidence that Trump will commit to helping out Intel which is the only chip manufacturer on American soil other than Lays.

Trump previously criticised Intel CE-NO, Lip-Bu Tan, calling for his resignation over alleged links to China. It’s not clear, though, if he just said that because he’s Asian looking.

Intel has seen slumping stocks for years now after failing to keep up with the AI boom and foreign chip manufacturers. Both these deals and the resulting stock boost could mean a comeback for the former chip-king. Hell, I’d let Intel come inside me any day. What?

What could this mean for money and stocks and your money and sports and economics and the price of fish and oh god what is even the point.

I’ll tell you what we’ll do: we’ll start again. That’s right, we’ll just cut out all the crap. No more chips and monies and investments and Telos Wealth Advisors, no we’ll just got back to eating dirt. Yeah, that sounds nicer, way more fun than what we’ve got going now. IT’S TOO COMPLICATED! It’s too complicated, I just can’t follow it all and I don’t care. Why should I care about all this? Yeah, I’m using a phone and a laptop and four ipads simultaneously but I don’t want any of that. Get rid of it all.

Whatever happened to goat herders? That’s what we should be doing. A simple life. A simple, smelly, goaty life. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, I’m going to give all this up and go herd some goats. See ya!

Bitcoin has hit another record high shortly following its previous record high of “very high”. BTC topped out at 124, and Ether also saw massive gains; however, my own personal bank account did not.

Part of the reason for the boost is increased faith that the Fed will soon cut interest rates, continued buying, boosts from Trump, and me personally not buying any (I’m just bad luck that way).

Now, following these numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin (no relation), one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Maurice might have a point. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many. Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin.

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporeal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has already commented on the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name without a bloody, bloody fight.

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

For more on this story, click here: Bitcoin Hits $123,000 ATH: Five Things You Can Buy With One $BTC

President Donald Trump has reached what is being called the largest trade deal in history since the last one. This time, it’s with the EU, agreeing to reduce the threatened tariffs down to 15% in return for massive investments in sectors like US energy.

Most commentators are calling this a W for Trump and an L for the EU, so what exactly did he have on them?

Below are the top five pieces of dirt that Trump has on the EU.

5. A Trade Deficit

OK, this isn’t exactly blackmail material, but Trump went in knowing that the EU was selling more than the US was. Now I’m no economist, and I can only understand two numbers at a time, so to me that looks bad. And that’s just what Trump went in there to fix, and it looks like he did, so good job, Don.

4. Ukraine

This one’s more Russia’s blackmail material, than Trump’s but Putin’s got ‘em in a chokehold and say what you will about the Yugoslavian navy, the EU needs American military support. Holding that back was a no brainer in this negotiation. And the EU wanted to keep Uncle Sam sweet in the event of a nuclear war.

3. Steamy Pics of Angela Merkel

Trump’s Ace in the Hole (if you’ll excuse the golf pun). Don-Don’s been hiding this for just the occasion but reportedly, he’s had incriminating pics of the former German chancellor for decades. Yeah, she might be retired but her shadow looms large and that’s the kind of press that old Ang can’t afford to stomach right now.

2. A Latvian Princess Held Hostage

Many a mustache has been twirled over the capture of Princess Egglisea Henklebergen III during the Latvo-Prussian conflict of last year. But now Europe wants her back and they will settle for any can of tariff rate to get her. You best believe Trump wheeled her out chained to a sack barrow to get what he wanted.

1. The Epstein List

The big one. Trump’s got it on his desk and boy does it contain some European leaders that’s for sure. Now, negotiators reportedly tried to play the Pres’s bluff, knowing that he’d be just as incriminated. But that’s just the Art of the Deal baby. If Trump goes down then all of Europe’s going down with him.

So, with all that dirt on the EU, how could they not agree? Now we’ll just have to wait and see what the Don has up his sleeve for China…

For more on this story, click here: US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

Nvidia ($NVDA) CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new AI chip specifically designed for the Chinese market due to Trump’s tightened export restrictions.

China’s chip is a modified version of Nvidia’s existing Blackwell RTX Pro 6000 processor, like how my bicycle is a modified version of a Lamborghini. The chip won’t have advanced features like high-bandwidth memory, NVLink interconnects, and a free carrying case.

All of this is an effort to prevent China from once again harnessing the power of American tech, like when they stapled two Nvidia chips to an iPad last year to make DeepSeek, which blew everyone out of the water. Remember that?

America’s version of the chip, on the other hand, dubbed the Freedom Eagle Chip, will be the most powerful chip the world has ever seen, featuring a stars and stripes vinyl wrap and the sounds of an eagle’s kaw-KAW every time you run a process.

Take that, you commies.

Despite this, Huang’s meeting in Beijing plans to reaffirm Nvidia’s commitment to China and China’s commitment to Nvidia, who are both in too deep to turn back now. And hey, if Huang slips a couple of chips out of his long trench coat on the way, who’s watching? Trump, hahaha, lol, no, his eyesight isn’t that good. He can’t see all the way to China. What are you talking about?

Nvidia is like the biggest company in the world or something, becoming the first company to hit a $4 trillion market cap on Wednesday. But the corp’s stock is still at the whim of the ever-swaying tides of tariffs, so who’s to say how things will shake down?

Not me, that’s for sure.

For more lacklustre tech predictions and predicaments, read this one: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate as it makes its way to the final rounds of debate that might cripple all you unlucky degens out there.

An iddy-biddy beautiful part of the big beautiful bill is an addendum saying that deductions from gambling winnings would be limited to 90% of losses, if the bill passes.

Now, what this means is that, let’s say I earn $100, I’d get taxed on those winnings. That’s income, so that’s taxed. Fine. Now, let’s say I also lost $100, with my $100 winnings, now I’ve made nothing. No income, no tax right? WRONG! With this law you could only reduce $90 from your taxes. You’ve earned nothing because you suck at gambling and now, just to kick you in the balls when you’re down, you have to pay $10 to the government.

Now if you didn’t follow that, you’re probably confused because, yeah, it’s confusing. But if you did follow that, you’re also probably confused because, yeah, it makes no sense. Why you got to tax me on the sweet load of nothing I’m making? That’s what VAT is for!

Professional gamblers are up in arms as this law would make it much harder for them to earn a living. Should it pass, full-time players might even be driven out of US casinos and turn to unregulated, dirty, foreign casinos to make that dollar. This will likely lead to only more malleable, casual players at casinos, meaning that, once again, the house always wins.

Who knows if the whole bill will even pass, and if it does, whether this little paperclipped bit will have made it through. But either way, it looks like the only one GAMBLING here is Trump… with our VOTES that is! Hahaha, see what I did there?

For more gambling news, check out: Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

Electric car batteries get a bad rap for suddenly EXPLODING (scared you there). Well, here’s a car battery that’s MEANT to explode… financially speaking.

CATL, China’s Contemporary Amperes Technology Co. Limited (so it should really be CCATCL) just went public and received a massive jumpstart, again, not good for a battery.

CATL does not make CATL-itic converters (that’s a car joke), no they make more than a third of all EV batteries supplying Tesla, Volkswagen, Toyota and maybe even the Chinese military. Out of those, we obviously had to put Tesla in the headline because we are being secretly paid by Elon to promote his brand.

They raised $4.55bn from the listing which is crazy. Like, there’s no joke here, can you imagine that kind of money? That’s small country GDP kind of money. Imagine getting all the money in a DAY?? Whoah. I don’t even know.

Despite their global presence, China is 70% of CATL’s total revenue which just goes to show how massive the Chinese EV market is. So maybe think about that, Elon. (Yes, he reads this site.)

Because of this, CATL is likely not too bothered by ‘Trump’s Terrific Tariffs’, as 2025’s biggest IPO just goes to show.

Now you might not have heard of CATL (not the cow) before so, just for fun, here are some CATL facts:

FACT! CATL employs 100,000 people (which, if you ask Elon, is too many)!
FACT! CATL has 13 production plants worldwide! All arranged in a pentagram with Beijing at the center.
FACT! CATL was founded in 2011!
FACT! 2011 was 14 years ago!
FACT! 2011 is closer to the year 2000 than it is to now!
FACT! You are old!
FACT! CATL is an anagram of ‘clat’!

Well, would you look at that, you learn something new everyday. Now you can go out there and impress your friends. Have fun, son!

Lots of love,

Dad.

For more words to beam directly into your brain, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Welcome back to Wall Street Memes, your only source for news, memes, and streets named after walls (West Wall Street, Midland, Texas, anyone?).

But we’re also the home of top bets, tips, stakes, and bets, so read on below for our round-up of the top 5 degen bets this week! This is not financial advice!

5. Stonks

Now this is where Wall Street comes to play. The Stonk Market has been more volatile than ever, jumping up and down every time Trump sneezes. Who’s to say if it’s going to go up or down or a secret third direction, but for the right players, there’s some big gains to be made.

4. Soccer

Not just a European sport now, soccer is even played in places as far as Spain and even France now. There are games every weekend if you know where to look. Who’s to say if the teams will win or lose or a secret third option that I’m told is called a draw? Wtf, wtf is that? Ok, well, you can bet on that if you want, you maniac.

3. Horse

There is horse. Horse is for bet. Bet on horse. Horse bet. Money to horse. If horse win. More money. If horse lose. Horse keep money. Bet more on horse. Horse bet on you betting more. Horse race. Horse race each other. You race horse. You. Money. Horse. Race. Horse. Understood?

2. Jai Alai

Look, I don’t know about you, but I never heard of this sport until 30 seconds ago. It’s like squash or tennis, but all the players have these giant mutated hands so they can throw balls harder and not much else. The J is pronounced like an H, so you know it’s exotic, but it’s also not there’s loads of games happening all the time right here in Florida, and you’re supposed to bet on it so maybe look into that.

1. Yourself

Look, if you’re looking for a solid bet, look no further than the mirror. You should take them gains and put them all on you, son. If there’s ever been a sure bet, it’s my guy right here. The best odds, the only odds you can control, that’s all you. Believe in yourself, you goddamn angel. Bet on you.

And that’s it! Be sure to follow along for more tips and tricks in the coming minutes. Happy good luck!

Just yesterday Donald Trump said he would not be removing ‘Jerome’ ‘Jay’ ‘Powell’ from his position as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Today, however, the president-of-Christmas-future announced that he would in fact be replacing Jay with someone who’s, “A very smart girl, a lot of business sense. She’s pretty but she’s also got a good head on her. Brains too. Tremendous numbers. And she knows those numbers and she’s going to help us run the economy of this country. Here she is, Hawk…? Hawk Tuah? …what kind of a name is that?”

Hawk Tuah Girl, also known as ‘Haliey Welch’ is an internet ‘personality’ who went viral, like, years ago for humorously simulating a sex act that is too explicit to name here. Now she’s ahead of the rest as she’ll likely head up the Fed as the Fed’s head head.

(And just as an aside, I’m not making this up but the Wikipedia page for Hawk Tuah begins with an explanation of the Ancient Greek word for spit. “Onomatopoeia for spitting sounds have been attested since time immemorial,” who writes this stuff?)

The news comes after Hawk has been accused of running a pump-and-dump crypto scam with her memecoin, HAWK, which has dropped a massive 91% since its first release. Billions have now lost their life savings and Tuah is facing multiple disgruntled looks from fans and distant cousins alike.

“She’s someone you want running your economy. They’re calling her a scam but if she got money that’s not a scam that makes her smart. The people in my government are going to be people who make money, not lose money. I don’t need losers. And Hawk-Girl is not a loser. She’s a winner.”

Hawk Tuah runs a podcast cleverly titled Talk Tuah and a dating advice app not-so-cleverly called Pookie Tools. I don’t get that last one, is that a pun or what? She’s not had Trump on the podcast but she was once asked if she would hawk-tuah Donald Trump, which is a normal thing to ask a person, and she said, “It’s a no from me.”

We are barely weeks away from the end of 2024 and God shalt not let mine soul rest. There’s always time for a topical crossover. We have to squeeze every last drop of 2024 memes out of this year. In the split seconds before the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve we’ll all be writhing on the floor chanting Hawk Tuah crypto Donald Trump Jake Paul memecoin until our lungs give out. It’s called synergy and it’s what we do now.

Riding his momentous victory against the 58-year-old former heavyweight champion, YouTuber Jake Paul has scheduled his next match against ‘Zeke Peterson’, a local 9-year-old who likes dinosaurs.

Zeke, who has no known boxing experience is said to be excited for the match, commenting, “I’m scared.”

Jake Paul made similar fighting comments saying, “I’m gonna rip off that little punk’s head, drink his blood then throw his body down at the feet of his weeping mothing! YOU’RE NOTHING, LITTLE BOY! NOTHING!”

Zeke will be trained ahead of the match by his best friend Noah who was expelled from his last school for ‘biting’. “Zeke’s a tough kid,” said Noah with the mannerisms of a 40-year-old. “Sweet, but tough. He’s got the advantage ‘cos he’s small and scrawny so I’m gonna teach him to be fast, outrun this Paul fella. The guy’s what, 27? Practically an old man, we got this in the bag. The pensioner’s goin’ down.”

“But yeah,” added Noah in a whisper. “We do have a will prepared, just in case.”

Jake Paul (who has a beard) was once a maker of fine video content for the inter-connected computational devices (YouTuber). These videos would consist of tricks, jokes, shocking moments, sketches, video game playing, beating up old men, beating up young men, pulling faces, and wearing surprising clothes. It was seen as inevitable then that Paul would seek to recreate his virtual virality in the real world with shocking acts of violence.

Paul’s match against Mike Tyson however was dull, despite drawing in 60 million viewers to watch the spectacle. Rather than showing the match in real time, first-time sportscaster Netflix opted to display still images of the fight in a slideshow format. Then, once the fight was reaching its climax the streaming service switched to text-based coverage broadcasting the cryptic title screen “Netflix has encountered an error. Retrying in 1 second. Code: tvq-rnd-101” which presumably translates to ‘Jake Paul is winning’.

The final scores were 80-72, 79-73 and 79-73 which means something, I think. Idk, Jake Paul won and boxing lost, that’s the headline, kids.

Tyson was paid $20 million in a match that will forever tarnish his legacy as the two-time heavyweight champion of the world and a convicted rapist. Paul on the other hand walks away with $40 million and a bright future in punching.

The Peterson v Paul showdown will stream everywhere, New Year’s Day, exclusively on Quibi.

Alright, I’m going to break this down real simple so even a billionaire can understand.

It’s summer and your mom has given you $6.75 trillion to start a lemonade stand. Now you’re a savvy business boy and think that’s far too much to spend on a lemonade stand. What you’ve got to buy lemons, some sugar, how much could that possibly cost? No, you can definitely do it for like, $4 trillion and save yourself 30%.

But here’s the problem. Your mom lent you the money and she wants a return on her investment, you know, for her retirement. She needs back $1.46 trillion and that’s non-negotiable so you can’t use that.

Oh, and she also needs $0.8 trillion back to cover the interest on her loan. You know, in line with inflation. Your mom’s always been savvy like that.

Fine, well what about your overheads? Well, you get to the store and turns out lemons are $0.9 trillion dollars now, sugar is $0.8tr and the trident missiles in case terrorists attack your lemonade stand, that’s another $0.8tr. And you need all those things.

Well, what else? Maybe you don’t need a stool to sit on, maybe you can stand up. And maybe you don’t need a table. And maybe you don’t need jugs and cups to serve the lemonade in, you can just leave it in a puddle on the floor and customers can just suck it straight out of the pavement.

Ok, so let’s not spend money on all those things that you need and…

Congratulations, you did it! You’ve saved $2tr by literally cutting everything you could until you have nothing left!

But then you think for a moment, sitting there in your lemonade puddle… wait a minute, my mom wouldn’t trust me with 6.75 trillion dollars let alone a lemonade stand. I asked her to buy me the lemons and a stand and print flyers and she said she really appreciated my advice but didn’t do anything I suggested.

And wait another minute, maybe there never was a lemonade stand maybe this was all pretend.

And wait a final minute, I’m a 53-year-old man!

Oh, well, that was all just a bit of fun anyway. At least people are now talking about you and at least you’re still rich, richer even. And at least, God preserve us, at least, “The merch will be 🔥🔥🔥”

Latest news

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Donald Trump

Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Related Articles

Ima Short •

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Max Profit • August 11, 2025

Nvidia And AMD Buy Their Way Around US Security Concerns

Max Profit • August 7, 2025

Sam Altman Cryptically Hints He’s Building A Death Star

Latest news

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Donald Trump

Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Bill Fold• August 19, 2025D

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Bill Fold• D

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trending News

Latest news

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Donald Trump

Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Related Articles

Max Profit • July 14, 2025

Bitcoin Hits $123,000 ATH: Five Things You Can Buy With One $BTC

Max Profit • July 10, 2025

Emirates Now Accepting Bitcoin, Schedules Flights To Da Moon

Ima Short • June 26, 2025

Crypto Becomes Asset For Mortgages, Fartcoin Now Worth ‘Abandoned Warehouse With No Doors’

Latest news

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Donald Trump

Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Bill Fold• D

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Bill Fold• D

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Trending News

Latest news

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Donald Trump

Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

5. A Trade Deficit

4. Ukraine

3. Steamy Pics of Angela Merkel

2. A Latvian Princess Held Hostage

1. The Epstein List

Related Articles

Pen Smith • August 18, 2025

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Pen Smith • August 17, 2025

Donald Trump

Pen Smith • August 12, 2025

Trump Declares War On Washington DC

Latest news

Intel Gains $2bn Softbank Investment, Government To Take 10% Which Definitely Isn’t Socialism

Trump And Putin Finally Reunite, “The Long Distance Relationship Was Killing Us”

Donald Trump

Pyramid Scheme of the Week!

Has Google Play Banned Crypto Wallets?

Bitcoin Hits Another ATH Again Again

Bill Fold• July 28, 2025D

Trump Successfully Blackmailed The EU, Here’s How He Did It