Bill Fold | Wall Street Memes

Leading economists announced that the average New Year’s hangover will require two full fiscal quarters to recover from, citing inflation, dehydration, and “whatever that last shot was.”

The report explains that while physical symptoms may fade by Tuesday, emotional damage from drunk texts is expected to linger well into Q2. “Consumers attempted aggressive year-end liquidity events,” said one analyst, referring to tequila shots as if they were a sound financial instrument.

According to the data, productivity is projected to remain flat until at least April, when workers finally stop saying “I’m never drinking again” with a straight face. Researchers confirmed that coffee provides only temporary relief, much like government stimulus but louder and shakier.

The study also notes that memories from the night are marked as “non-recoverable assets,” despite multiple failed attempts to reconstruct them via group chat.

Hospitals reported a surge in patients asking doctors to “just run a quick diagnostic” on their life choices.
Meanwhile, employers have adjusted expectations, acknowledging that “working from home” today really means “lying down near a charger.”

One economist warned that attempting a “hair of the dog” strategy often leads to a double-dip recession, but admitted it remains politically popular.

Markets reacted calmly to the news, largely because no one was sober enough to trade.
At press time, economists revised their forecast upward after discovering brunch plans, confirming the recovery timeline now depends entirely on mimosas.

At exactly midnight, finance bro Kyle Henderson stood on a barstool, screamed “TO THE MOON,” and accidentally sprayed champagne onto his boss, proving that volatility applies to careers too.

Witnesses say Kyle believed the new year symbolized “a breakout moment,” which is impressive optimism for someone whose bonus was already theoretical. He reportedly followed up his yell by chanting “diamond hands,” a phrase HR later confirmed is not a protected belief system.

According to coworkers, Kyle insisted the outburst was “priced in,” apparently confusing market theory with acceptable workplace behavior. His manager stared silently for a full 30 seconds, a pause analysts are now calling a clear bearish signal. Kyle attempted damage control by pulling up a chart on his phone, which somehow made everything worse, much like charts usually do.

At 12:05 a.m., Kyle received an email titled “Quick Sync”, a message historically known to mean “update your LinkedIn.” He claims the firing was “short-term noise,” a bold take from someone being escorted out by security.

As he left, Kyle reassured colleagues that he was “still bullish on his personal brand,” despite not having income, dignity, or a chair anymore.

Friends say Kyle remains optimistic and plans to “double down” on crypto, which is comforting in the same way yelling “clear skies” during a hurricane is comforting. He has already tweeted that getting fired was “actually good news,” because it gives him more time to grind, reflect, and avoid explaining this to his parents.

At press time, Kyle was seen ringing in the new year alone, whispering “WAGMI” to a frozen ATM screen that strongly disagreed.

At precisely 11:59 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, a group of hoodie-clad crypto enthusiasts raised their craft IPAs, clinked glasses, and confidently declared that next year would finally be “the real bull run,” marking the sixth consecutive year the same prediction has been made with unwavering conviction.

“Bro, it’s all lining up,” said Mark “DiamondHands” Reynolds, gesturing at a laptop displaying six tabs of half-understood charts, two paused YouTube videos titled WHY THIS CYCLE IS DIFFERENT, and a wallet balance he described as “temporarily misunderstood.” “Last year was just accumulation. And the year before that. And the year before that. But this year? This year is different.”

The annual ritual, now considered a sacred tradition in crypto circles, involves revisiting old tweets, deleting price predictions from the previous January, and announcing on social media that “the weak hands are shaken out.” According to attendees, the bull run was delayed this time due to a complex mix of macroeconomic conditions, bad vibes, mainstream media, and “people who just don’t get it.”

“This is basically 2017 all over again,” explained another attendee, while refusing to specify which part of 2017. “Institutions are coming. Retail is coming back. My cousin is thinking about NFTs again. You don’t see signals clearer than that.”

The toast itself was accompanied by a PowerPoint presentation titled Roadmap to Financial Freedom (Final_v9_REAL_FINAL_THIS_ONE.pdf), which outlined an ambitious plan involving dollar-cost averaging, passive income from staking, and retiring by 32—just as soon as the market “wakes up.”

Veterans of the group acknowledged that optimism has remained impressively stable despite prices fluctuating wildly, projects disappearing overnight, and several members quietly rejoining the workforce.

“Yeah, okay, I took a job again,” admitted Reynolds. “But that’s just to stay liquid for the dip before the rip. Totally strategic.”

Several crypto bros also emphasized that they are “early,” a term here defined as “any time before personal financial success.” One member proudly noted that while his portfolio is down 87%, his conviction is up “at least 300%.”

Critics outside the group have questioned whether the bull run might be more metaphorical than financial at this point. Crypto bros quickly dismissed such concerns, pointing out that the four-year cycle, the halving, the supercycle, the inverse head-and-shoulders, and “a guy on Twitter with laser eyes” all agree that patience will soon be rewarded.

As midnight struck, the group shouted their traditional chant: “WAGMI!”—short for We’re All Gonna Make It, a phrase that has aged like milk yet continues to be spoken with the enthusiasm of a startup pitch deck.

At press time, several members were already drafting tweets explaining why the bull run didn’t start on January 1 after all, but will definitely begin “mid-Q2 at the latest.”

“Just zoom out,” Reynolds said calmly, as his screen refreshed to show another red candle. “Long-term, this is generational wealth.”

The group then agreed to reconvene next year to celebrate the next next year’s bull run, confident that eventually, statistically speaking, they’ll be right.

Donaldent Presitrump just announced a “Warrior Dividend” available to anyone with an axe, braids and a horned helmet. Oh, no wait, sorry, different kind of warrior. Trump checks will go to American servicemen in the MODERN day. Ahh, that makes more sense.

The news came in Trump’s latest press conference hailing the success of his tariffs and how stupid and sucky Joe Biden still is (remember him?).

The amount is a one off payment of one thousand, seven hundred and seventy six dollars ($1,776) which seems like a completely random number but it actually has a really interesting history, so let’s break down the origins of that strange number…

…How does a BASTARD, ORPHAN, son of a WHORE and a SCOTSMAN, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar? Etc. etc.

You with me now? THAT’S RIGHT! 1776 is a date… And on February 17th, Edward Gibbon published his first volume of The History of the Decline Fall of the Roman Empire and you just know Trump’s always thinking about the Roman Empire and wanted to commemorate such an event.

Wait, that’s not it… maybe it’s that in March of 1776 restrictions on the cereal trade in Sweden were lifted? Whatever that means, Wikipedia…

Oh, you know what, Trump’s probably referencing the death date of French magistrate Pierre-Robert Le Cornier de Cideville. I know Trump’s a big fan and he’s always said how he wants America’s servicemen to remember their 18th century French bureaucrats.

Or maybe we’ll just never know. It’s very possible Trump selected this specific number at random and if that’s the case, the meaning of it will simply be lost to the mists of time…

SpaceX (SPACO) is reportedly considering an IPO (initial public option) that would rocket boost (see what I did there?) the company to a $1 trillion dollars in money valuation.

“It’s going to be the craziest IPO in the history of the stock market,” said Shay Boloor, chief market strategist for Futurum Equities Research in an interview which he himself went crazy. “If it’s trying to go for $1.5 trillion, I ‌wouldn’t be surprised if it goes up to over $2 trillion once it gets open.”

To da moon!

SpaceX hasn’t had a problem raising money in the past, but a public offering might significantly increase the company’s cash flow. As any good rocket scientist, economist, and gastroenterologist will tell you, when it comes to rocket fuel, cash flow, and fecal matter: liquid is better.

But the big one to profit isn’t just SpaceX investors, it’s the big man, the man in charge, the top dog, his muskiness himself: JOHN CENA!! Jk, ELON MUSK!!

With SpaceX’s cash explosion, Musk will likely go from being the world’s richest man to being the world’s richest man but more so. Estimators estimate that he will likely reach the one trillion mark that he’s been so desperate to achieve ever since his mother didn’t love him.

SpaceX? More like, SpaceXcusetogetmoremoneyoffpeople

The downside is that Musk will then be beholden to those pathetic snivelling losers, what are they called? Oh yeah, ‘shareholders’. Bleh.

They already kicked off when he asked for a DESERVED one trillion pay package for not quitting his job and that’s not fair, ok? Well, now they might be whiny bitches again and hold back THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE FROM GOING INTERPLANETARY.

Do you want that? No. So give us your money and don’t have any other input beyond that, got it? Ok? Ok.

Glad we could straighten that out. You may leave now.

You have to pay $1 million dollars. I’m not kidding.

Yes, President Trump’s new “gold card” visa scheme has just gone live, allowing foreigners to simply bribe, sorry, I meant buy a Visa for a million dollars. Or, even better, companies can sponsor someone for $2 million dollars. They also get a shiny golden card as an added bonus (not real gold. Ts&Cs apply…)

It’s true. Just go to trumpcard.gov and if you’ve got a spare milly lying around, try it out for yourself!

And if you think that’s the end of it JUST YOU WAIT. Because what’s better than gold? That’s right, platinum and Trump has heard your request and has a waiting list for $5 million dollar “Trump Platinum Cards”.

Why these official government documents have to have Trump’s name on them like they’re steaks is anyone’s guess…

Trump sued by Willy Wonka for plagiarism

However, Trump’s latest get-rich-quick scheme has already run into problems as the estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

golden ticket gold card visa trump the office — Live footage of Trump coming up with the idea of the golden ticket completely on his own

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $1 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Gold Card? More like card made of gold!

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, but the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

Jerome Powell can keep his job… for now

The Federal Reserve of money (aka THE Fed) has at last lowered interest rates by 0.25 percentage points to 3.50/3.75%, the lowest it’s ever been since three years ago.

The problem is the Fed is caught between a rock and a hard place, on the one hand, you’ve got a plummeting job market, but on the other hand, you have the prices of everything rising but on a secret third hand, you have me with a three-way parlay on whether Jay Powell will sneeze during the announcement.

But Trump’s only happy with more, more, MORE, saying that the cut should have been “at least doubled… Our rates should be much lower, we should have the lowest rates in the world!!!” he screamed before passing out.

And his lackays are falling in line with this sentiment. Trump’s Council of Economic Advisors person, Stephen Miran, for example, voted against the cut, instead wanting a more dramatic 0.5 point cut.

And as for ‘the hard place’, the presidents of Chicago and Kansas City’s Feds voted to keep rates as they are.

Death by 0.25 cuts

We likely won’t see any rate cuts over the coming months but with Jay Powell’s imminent retirement/assassination his replacement could easily come in and set interest rates to minus a billion as is Trump’s heart’s desire.

We’ll just have to see how things pan out but until then, check out who’s the front runner to replace Powell: Jerome Powell Is Getting Fired, Here Are The Top 5 Likely Replacements

The Biggest of Short investors (even though he’s 5’8″), Michael Burry just dropped another bombshell in his Cassandra Unchained newsletter, revealing that he own large positions in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac expecting them to rally with IPOs in the near future.

Now, the identities of these mystery individuals have not been revealed, nor is it clear exactly how Burry can have a position on two human beings but heck, if Burry says double down on two randos, I’m doubling down.

My guess is that Fannie and Freddie are distant relations of Burry? Maybe like, third cousins who needed a leg up from their financier uncle and he was like, “Yeah, sure F&F [that’s what he calls them] I’ll just give you a shout out on my newsletter and then you’ll be famous and rich and that’ll make up for your unfortunate names.”

Freddie? Maxed. Fannie? Maybe. Burry? Better Hurry! …what?

Oh.

Oh wait.

Oh wait, now hold on a minute.

Maybe I should have googled Fannie and Freddie before writing this.

Ok, turns out the two people names are actually names of companies. How was I supposed to know that?

Fannie Mae is the Federal Nation Mortgage Association and it’s a publicly traded company?? What are you talking about? WHY DOES IT HAVE A HUMAN NAME??? We don’t call the United States Postal Service ‘Usain Potter’ that would be usain.

Either every federal organization gets a cutesy-poo name or none do.

Hell, ‘Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation? FHLMC? That doesn’t even look like Freddie Mac!

What is going on?

I can’t even find an explanation for why they’re called this. Wait, FANNIE IS THE LARGEST COMPANY IN THE US? IT’S WORTH $4.3 TRILLION DOLLARS???? WTF IS GOING ON!!

Ok, I’m sorry, I need to go, I’m having a meltdown over this. This finance writer has just discovered the financial sector. I’m going to puke.

Jerome Powell Just Increased Perspiration Rates

About once a month, there seems to be a new headline about how Trump wants to replace the Chairman Of The Fed Reserve of Money In America (COFROMIA for short) with someone a little more pliable.

And well, it’s his time of the month again.

When asked aboard Air Force One today, Trump said, “I know who I’m going to pick.”

“Well, tell us!” responded reporters and then, like a schoolkid hiding their crush, Trump almost giggled, “I’m not going to tell you.”

Everyone’s suspecting his choice will be White House advisor Kevin Hassett even though I’ve never heard of him. But he’s remained tight-lipped on the issue other than saying he’d be up for the job if asked.

fed chair odds graph — Here are the odds in case you’re a betting man, but my money’s on the blonde.

Hassett, smashett, I think we all know Trump’s got some much better choices right under his nose. So, without further ado, these are Trump’s top picks to become COFROMIA:

(Honorable mention) JD Vance – The Backup Backup Option

Ehh, ok, fine, if we really have to, like if we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, I guess he’ll do. I GUESS WE COULD SETTLE. I mean, he doesn’t have much on his plate. He’s not that busy, he could probs do the Fed on the side. Not well, mind you, not a good job, but he’d do A job, sure.

JD seems a great replacement, considering that Powell is “an average-minded person” with a “low IQ for what he does,” according to Donald Trump.

10. No One – Better Than JD

Now, this is the most controversial take, but do we even need a chair? Can’t we just sit on the floor? It’s long been the belief of notable economists like me that the Fed can just run itself. If anything, it would be an improvement from that good-for-nothing POWELL.

9. SBF – Pronounced “essbeef”

Sam Bankman-Fried has done more than enough to prove his financial chops. Hell, he’s got ‘bank’ in his name, who better to lead the finances of this country? Now, there is the little matter of the whole ‘prison’ thing, but that’s nothing that a bit of presidential pardoning can’t fix.

8. Kanye – West

…West, that is. He’s a loose cannon. A renegade. And you know what? Maybe that’s exactly what the Fed needs right now. Sure, there was that whole thing with his cousin and with the Nazis and, yes, he ran against Trump but my enemies’ enemies is my friend and a friend in Ye is a friend indeed.

7. Tiffany Fong – Who?

Oh, the crypto influencer that Elon offered to have a child with. Yeah, sure, why not, throw her into the mix. The important thing is that we make HEADLINES. Ok?

6. Barron – ‘Trump’, not ‘Oil’

Now, Barron’s a good kid. Maybe the best kid. And he knows his crypto more than anyone. He’s talking about crypto, he’s a fan, he knows how to use his wallet. What’s a wallet? Well, he’s using it. So he’s a good pick.

5. Scrooge McDuck – Money Man (Duck)

If anyone understands money, it’s a man with a giant pile of money in his house. Now that’s the kind of guy I want in charge of interest rates, that’s for sure.

4. An AI Tesla Bot – If Elon Can Bury The Hatchet

Picture this: no more Jay Powell AND Tesla stock goes up with a ground-breaking tech demo, all in one move. He’s lean, he’s mean, he’s a fighting machine. What else would you build a robot for but managing the Federal Reserve? This ain’t ‘Mr. Too Late’, this ain’t no ‘Major Loser’, this is advanced robotics at the cutting edge.

3. Jerome Powell – He’s Back, Baby!

A late entry to the field, this is a completely different Jerome Powell, absolutely no relation to the previous JP. Yes, he looks very similar, but this Jerome has a large mustache, so it can’t be the same one.

2. Eric Trump – Maybe The Real Powell Was The Friends We Made Along The Way

Eric Trump is well known for not really being that well known, so he’s a good choice because every other family member that Trump had in his inner circle got burned by the first administration. Other than moving some money around when maybe he shouldn’t have and then getting caught, Eric has basically zero financial experience, which makes him perfect for the role. He also enjoys skiing.

1. Donald Trump – The Front Runner

In the top spot, I know, it seems like a curveball, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Who better to follow through on Donald Trump’s wishes than Donald Trump himself? Who’s least likely to get fired by Donald Trump than Donald Trump? Who’s got the business, pork, and financial chops to take the US economy to the next level? And let’s be honest, if Trump could, we all know he would.

And there we have it! Those are our top five picks for the role. We’ll see how things play out, but let us know what you think! Message me personally at my home address hidden in the code for this website.

For a secret bonus option, read this: Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

Idk, cos people need to eat and stuff?

Walmart just posted its year’s earnings and sales outlook and oh my god I’m sending myself to sleep just writing this… come on, FOCUS. Ok, so, Walmart saw more growth in its grocery, health and wellness sectors zzzzzz…

WHA! What? Oh my god, I’m sorry, I nodded off just then. What was I saying, right, so Walmart has started getting in on the e-commerce business, tryna’ hustle in on Amazon’s business and it seems to be PAYING off. Get it? Because we’re talking about money and stuff…?

Whatever.

Walmart? More like, Paul Blart

It seems a big factor has been that Walmart’s a discount option for shoppers struggling financially which, if you hadn’t noticed, is everyone. So people are flocking to the mart and spending the big bucks.

What does this mean for the rest of the country? Well, Nvidia also had a massive rally and these two behemoths doing well means everyone’s doing well.

Oh, you’re, you’re not doing well? Oh, I’m sorry. Have you thought about buying Nvidia stock? You should by Nvidia stock. Or Walmart, you’ll be alright then I promise. Give it a go, worked for me I’m now rich as hell. So rich I quit my job. Yeah, I do this for free. I do this for free. I’m offering a public service here and it’s just for the love of the game.

…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I was taking a nap. Excuse me, gotta go.

For more supermarket news, read this: Costco Unveils Plan For Wholesale Houses

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